Friday, December 30, 2011
sometimes i wonder why in the heck i am where i am..... and then i hit myself upside the head and realize that i am in control of my own journey and only mine. am i sad that i am going through a divorce yet again? yes am i embaressed that i am? yes am i devastated? yes
that does not mean though that I am not seeing happiness and aware of all the good that I have in my life. I have been blessed immensely since August. reuniting with Jeff, the placements i have received in nursing school, my children's health and happiness, my own cloud beginning to lift.
there are days when i don't understand why the most recent Marr..... didnt work, i will never be able to speak for the other party or understand his motives, that is a fact. the lies and deceit that has spanned 3.5 yrs has taken its toll on my ability to trust, to believe in what someone is saying and that will take time i know.
for now i shall keep on trucking, writing papers, making lunches, having play dates, clipping 4 sets of toenails and nursing.
Monday, May 3, 2010
who decides what we need and want as beings? is it pre programmed into our hard drive? is it as simple as finding the right remote in someone else and having our personal needs fulfill led by what they can offer?
i feel it is not possible for one person we love to supply us with all the "'things'' we need, be emotional, physical, financial, or companionship.
so then why do i expect so much from someone?
i have tried wrapping up all of me into one being and it turned out highly unsuccessful, so then why do i feel i am going against the grain when i confide in a friend or vent to a coworker?
i suppose in a ideal world where i am comfortable with myself i would in turn require less from others.
september of 2009 i was flying high, i was supporting myself and 4 children, i was happy i thought i was pretty and i felt so alive. now it is may 2010 and i hate looking in the mirror, i am supporting my self and 6 other people and i am failing miserably, and i feel anything but alive.
why the change, where did i go, a year ago i had boundaries, i didn't let people get to me the way i do today, i was who i was and that was that. now i just don't know. have i had unachievable expectations of myself? did i take on too much?
should i even be putting this out there? too late... i am almost positive i am not the only one with self doubt and thoughts of questions upon questions.
where did i come from? where am i going? i know or do i know what i have been taught? do i believe it for me myself and i? not because i have kids but because i care enough for myself to find out.
chasing chelsea has begun
Friday, April 9, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
I wanted to keep this blog seperate from that of my "lighter" blog, partially because I dont want my thoughts to be confused as my "families" thougths, they each like me have their own words. Which I try to express on that blog, on this is me finding me.